My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
