she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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