ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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