my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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