oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
