then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
