oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
home. puking in laundry basket.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
