Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
