We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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