The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
