Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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