I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
