I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
