I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
