There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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