I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
3 2 1 whiskey
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
