i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
