I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
