I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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