I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
