In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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