They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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