he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
