You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
