your parents love me but you hate me
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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