Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize
