We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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