Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
