I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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