This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
