You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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