Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
