just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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