He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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