3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
