I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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