last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
