This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
