don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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