No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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