Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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