I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
