My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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