It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
