i was rollin on her like bob the builder
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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