batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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