I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
