saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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