my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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