so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
