No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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